Behind The Scenes
by Hobbits Are Hot
Summary: What really happend in Lord Of The Rings? Well this will tell you! Instead of going to Mt. Doom, the hobbits hope to go to Bree with their dance act to become dancers! Of course there's much more! please R&R! Its my first LOTR fic so i hope u like it!
1. Default Chapter

(note: I love lord of the rings, and I am not making fun of it because I think it is one of the best stories told. This is for humor only! Please enjoy! And I don't own Lord Of The Rings, but I'd like to own Elijah Wood =- D )  
  
Frodo was reading in the grass. He was reading "How To Put The Evil Ring That You Inherited From Your Uncle Into The Fires Of Mt. Doom." When suddenly, he heard someone singing;  
  
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T  
  
"Gandalf!" Frodo smiled and ran to where the old wizard was.  
  
"You're late." Frodo said.  
  
"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. He arrives precisely when he means to."  
  
"Yeah, ok Gandalf. Lets go to my uncles house." Frodo says.  
  
They start to go to Bag End when a bunch of hobbit kids pop out of nowhere screaming "FIREWORKS!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Gandalf shook his head. "No fireworks until the party."  
  
Then the little kids tried to grab the fireworks from the back of the pony thing they were riding on  
  
(note: I don't know what its called, I have a low vocabulary range right now)  
  
Gandalf waved his staff, hitting some kids. Then he wrestled some of the kids for his fireworks.  
  
"MINE!!!!!!" They screamed. They kicked Gandalf in the shin and Gandalf fell to the ground. The hobbit children grabbed the fireworks and left, laughing manically.  
  
Frodo had been watching it all, and he now debated whether to help Gandalf, or go to Bag End. Frodo lifted Gandalf up, with as much strength as he could. Gandalf woke up.  
  
"Where are my fireworks?"  
  
"Oh, the hobbit children took them."  
  
"Oh man. Well, I was saving something better for the party anyway."  
  
Frodo smiled. "Ok Gandalf. See you later" Frodo jumps off and waves goodbye to Gandalf. Gandalf makes his way to Bag End. When he arrives he knocks on the door.  
  
"Go away! I don't want to see my stupid relatives anymore!"  
  
"How about very old friends?"  
  
Bilbo was quiet for a minute. "None of that either! I don't care who you are! Go away!"  
  
Gandalf began to cry. "Fine, Bilbo have it your way! I'll be at your party!" Gandalf sniffed. "I always liked Saruman better."  
  
Gandalf walked down to where the party was being set up. Pippin and Merry were there.  
  
"Well, hello Gandalf!" Merry said.  
  
"Gandalf, where are your fireworks? In one of the scenes, we're supposed to steal them!" Pippin said.  
  
"Pippin! You weren't supposed to say that."  
  
Gandalf frowned. "A couple of nasty Brandybuck hobbit children stole them from me. They kicked me in the shin."  
  
"Don't be fooling Brandybuck, Gandalf. I grew up there. I think...does anyone have a copy of the book around here? Huh?! THESE HOBBITS NEVER LISTEN!!!" Merry yelled.  
  
"C'mon, Merry, lets go eat. Goodbye, Gandalf."  
  
Merry and Pippin left to eat at the tables down by the party.  
  
"GANDALF! GET YOUR SORRY ASS UP IN BAG END!!" Someone yelled. Gandalf walked up to Bag End. Bilbo was on his walkway, waiting.  
  
"Well, well, Gandalf. After all these years. You shove me off to some mountain, and you never talk to me again. Now what do you want?"  
  
"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Wow, you look really young. Maybe it's because of that Ring that you found that's going to cause the entire Middle-Earth to fall into battle."  
  
"Yes, I think that's it. Now you're going to drink some tea with me."  
  
Gandalf and Bilbo went inside. Bilbo served some tea and said, "I know I don't look old, but I can feel it in my heart. I feel sort of old, stretched. Like butter scraped over too much bread...or was it too much jelly over little bread...whatever I don't write these books...well, yeah that's how I feel."  
  
"Oh well, ok. C'mon lets go smoke some weed outside."  
  
So together they went. They sat on a chair, overlooking all the people at the party.  
  
"This is going to be a night to remember."  
  
(Note: Ok, so what do you think so far? Please review it would help a great deal! This is my first LOTR fiction! Your favorite character will give you kisses if you review! Lol thanks for reading! =-D I promise the next chapter will be better!) 


	2. SirMixALot, Drinking, Pshycaitry, and th...

The party had begun! Bilbo was reading his cheap romance novels to the children, Sam and Rosie were dirty dancing, Frodo was doing the funky chicken, and Pippin and Merry were eating. Gandalf had become the D.J. He played Usher's "Yeah" and dances with some hobbit woman. Gandalf decides that he is Usher.  
  
Soon, everyone demanded for a speech. Bilbo got up on his barrel and started his speech...he hesitated, then said, "Aw, screw it!" He put on his ring and walked out the door. "HAHA SUCKERS!!!"  
  
He screamed and laughed manically and went back to Bag End. Bilbo gathered his thinks, but found Gandalf, who is wearing Usher clothes, in the house.  
  
Bilbo and Gandalf started fighting for the Ring.  
  
"FINE!! Have it your way! I am going to Rivendell, so I can buy some cheap T-Shirts. That say "I WENT TO RIVENDELL AND I SCREWED ELRONDS DAUGHTER."  
  
Bilbo left. Gandalf smoked some weed in front of the fire. Frodo entered the room. He picks up the ring.  
  
"Why is there a ring on the floor?"  
  
"I put it there."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I knew you'd pick it up."  
  
"I like it. It's shiny."  
  
"Yes, too shiny I believe. It was forged in the volcano of Mt. Doom by Sir- Mix-A-Lot."  
  
"Sir Mix-A-Lot? That's not how it goes."  
  
"ARE YOU STUPID?" Gandalf yells. "THAT'S HOW IT GOES HERE. JUST GIVE ME THE RING."  
  
Gandalf and Frodo play flag football with the ring, just for kicks, and then Gandalf throws it into the fire. He tosses it on Frodo's hand.  
  
"IT BURNS!!!" Frodo cries. "Don't be a baby! Do you see anything?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Gandalf screams.  
  
"All I said was no."  
  
"Do you see anything on there."  
  
"Writing. Some kind of writing."  
  
"Its Spanish. In some languages it says: One Ring to get them all together in the club dance to the beat get a little drunk then watch the hobbits show their funk."  
  
"My funk!"  
  
"Yes. It is the fate of us all. So, you must get the ring to this big Volcano so Sir-Mix-A-Lot doesn't make everyone show their funk, and die."  
  
"I don't know if I can." Frodo says weakly.  
  
"Sure you can! You and Sam took those tap dancing lessons."  
  
Sam pops out of nowhere and starts tapping.  
  
"Can I come too?"  
  
"NO!!!" Gandalf yells.  
  
"Whatever, Gandalf. Come on, Sam. Let's go."  
  
"Where are we going?" Sam asks.  
  
"Where are we going?" Frodo asks Gandalf.  
  
"Meet me at Bree. Got it?"  
  
"WHATEVER!" Frodo and Sam give Gandalf a talk to the hand, and leave.  
  
Sam puts on his headphones and grooves to Enya's "May It Be"  
  
(note: how can you even dance to that song? Oh well)  
  
Frodo and Sam practice their dance moves. They breakdance, ballet, tap, and electric slide.  
  
"Bree is a famous nightclub, Sam. Maybe we'll get our big breaks."  
  
"I've always dreamed of being a dancer, Mr. Frodo."  
  
Together Sam and Frodo link arms and skip, singing  
  
Follow the yellow brick road Whereever it may go Lets go to get drunk And get down on the floor Then we can drink Drink drink drink some more!!!!  
  
"MOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo belts it out. Sam stares at him, and they walk down the road.  
  
Sam and Frodo take a nap. When they wake up, Sam says, "What do we have to do Mr. Frodo, for I am confused."  
  
"Well, Sam. I think we should forget about destroying this ring, because I don't see what it has to do with anything. Instead, let's see if we can become dancers at the Bree nightclub."  
  
Sam nods and they go on their way again. Merry and Pippin pop out of nowhere.  
  
"Hello Frodo!" Merry says.  
  
"Where are you off to?" Pippin asks.  
  
"We're going to Bree." Sam says, smiling.  
  
"The nightclub?!" Pippin and Merry say together.  
  
Frodo and Sam nod. "We're going to be dancers."  
  
"Us too!" Merry says.  
  
"Merry and I can do our Green Dragon act. And we can all get drunk."  
  
Merry nods. "I sure love drinking."  
  
"Okay, Pippin and Merry. Let's go." Frodo says. Together, they link arms and sing  
  
Follow the yellow brick road Whereever it may go Lets go to get drunk And get down on the floor Then we can drink Drink drink drink some more!!!!  
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf had to take a stop at his physiatrists office.  
  
"It seems you've been having anger management problems, Gandalf."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why do you think so."  
  
"I don't really know. Maybe it's because I've been around those hobbits for so long. All they do is get drunk, sing, dance. They're so...homosexual."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Sam and Frodo love each other, everyone knows that. I couldn't take wearing those god-awful wizard clothes. I'm sick of running around with a bunch of hobbits, a sappy man-to-be-king, a dwarf, and an elf that prances around like a girl all the time. My life has no point."  
  
"How can you release this anger?"  
  
"I don't know. I mean, all the teenage girls love Elijah Wood...or Billy Boyd...Orlando Bloom...who do they not love? The wizards. Of course. We're always thought of second. SECOND I SAY!!! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO SEE SOME SHORT KID RUNNING AROUND WITH A FAKE RING TRYING TO PUT IT IN A VOLCANO??? I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!"  
  
Gandalf punches his physiatrist, and makes way to Rivendell. Why? We just don't know.  
  
(well, did you like it? It's my first try at LOTR humor, so...I hope it's good. I'm don't know if its funny so far, but I hope it is! Please review! it would help a lot!) 


	3. NYSNC, Crazy Fan Girls, and Strider

(note: Thanks for that spelling error! How stupid of me! Well, I changed the summary because...well I don't know. But anyway, I watched ROTK last night and I cried at the ending! =-( lol ok now here's the rest of the story)  
  
The hobbits skipped with each other singing "Tomorrow" from Annie. The hobbits skipped together singing the real "Yellow Brick Road" from The Wizard Of Oz. Then, they stopped.  
  
They had approached Bree. Together, the hobbits walked up to the entrance and knocked on the door. The man opened the peep top peep hole, and then the bottom.  
  
"Hobbits? Four hobbits? What brings you to Bree?"  
  
"We wanna go to the nightclub." Said Frodo. The gate keeper guy opened the door, and the hobbits made their way to the nightclub. The bright lights shone and brightened up the dark night sky. The hobbits skipped into the club. The owner, wearing a purple suit, and gold jewelry, walked up to the hobbits.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"We'd like to audition." Merry said.  
  
"We want to dance here! Please." Pippin says, smiling.  
  
"What's your name?"  
  
"Baggins. Underhill. No, Madden. No, Johnson. I'm Frodo Johnson." Frodo says.  
  
"No, you're Frodo Baggins." Sam says.  
  
"I thought he was Frodo Madden."  
  
"John Madden?" Pippin asks.  
  
"NO PIPPIN!" Merry says angrily.  
  
"I'm Frodo Johnson."  
  
"What's the name of your group."  
  
"NSYNC." Merry says.  
  
"The boy band of the 90s? That's you?"  
  
A group of teenage girls walk up screaming "WE LOVE YOU NSYNC!!!" They rip Frodo's shirt off. Sam looks at Frodo, smiling.  
  
"I told you Sam was gay!" Pippin says.  
  
"Well, do your act." The owner says.  
  
"Wait!" Merry says. "We need fake names."  
  
"Fake names? Why?"  
  
"Because we'll be cool."  
  
"I'm Justin, Sam is Lance, Pippin is J.C., and Merry is Joey."  
  
"WHY DO YOU GET TO BE JUSTIN?" Sam yells.  
  
Frodo grins. "Because I'm the ringbearer. I GET TO BE THE BEST."  
  
"NO ME!"  
  
Frodo grew angry. "ME!"  
  
"ME!"  
  
"ME!"  
  
"MEEE!!!!!!!"  
  
"MMMMEEEE!!!"  
  
They started fighting on the floor.  
  
Pippin and Merry walked up to the stage and preformed their Green Dragon act. Sam and Frodo were still fighting. Finally, the hobbits preformed Bye Bye Bye.  
  
(note: I do not have this song memorized, I got it off the internet.)  
  
Bye, Bye, Bye  
  
Bye, Bye...  
  
Bye, Bye...  
  
Oh, Oh..  
  
I'm doin' this tonight,  
  
You're probably gonna start a fight.  
  
I know this can't be right.  
  
Hey baby come on,  
  
I loved you endlessly,  
  
When you weren't there for me.  
  
So now it's time to leave and make it alone  
  
I know that I can't take no more  
  
It ain't no lie  
  
I wanna see you out that door  
  
Baby, bye, bye, bye...  
  
Bye Bye  
  
Don't wanna be a fool for you  
  
Just another player in your game for two  
  
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,  
  
Baby, bye, bye, bye...  
  
Bye Bye  
  
Don't really wanna make it tough,  
  
I just wanna tell you that I had enough.  
  
It might sound crazy,  
  
But it ain't no lie,  
  
Baby, bye, bye, bye  
  
(Oh, Oh)  
  
Just hit me with the truth,  
  
Now, girl you're more than welcome to.  
  
So give me one good reason,  
  
Baby come on  
  
I live for you and me,  
  
And now I really come to see,  
  
That life would be much better once you're gone.  
  
I know that I can't take no more  
  
It ain't no lie,  
  
I wanna see you out that door  
  
Baby, bye, bye, bye...  
  
Bye Bye  
  
Don't wanna be a fool for you  
  
Just another player in your game for two  
  
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,  
  
Baby Bye, bye, bye...  
  
When they got off the stage, they walked up to the owner.  
  
"So, what do you think?" asked Frodo.  
  
"I don't think you're good enough for Bree. Try somewhere else."  
  
"But this is the only nightclub we know of!" Frodo cried.  
  
"Oh well." The owner left.  
  
"LOOK AT THAT SCARY MAN IN THE CORNER!" Pippin yelled.  
  
The hobbits walked up to the man.  
  
"I saw your act."  
  
"WHO ARE YOU?" Pippin said loudly.  
  
"I am Strider, or Aragorn. Basically, I'm gonna be the king at the end of the movies, so...YOU MUST WORSHIP ME!"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Now, I saw your act. I'm going to take you to Rivendell."  
  
"Rivendell? Why there?" Sam asked.  
  
"So I can see my hot girlfriend. Now are you with me?"  
  
"OK!" 


	4. Dirty Hobbit Feet, Weathertop, and Kings...

Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry left Bree. The hobbits had gotten cute little ponies, and Aragorn had gotten a horse.  
  
"We'll go to Weathertop."  
  
"COOL!"  
  
"So tell me, Frodo. What brings you to Bree."  
  
"Actually, its what brought you to Bree. We're no longer in Bree. That's present tense. You have to use past tense." Pippin said.  
  
"SHUT UP, IDIOT! I AM THE KING!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
"When did Pippin become so smart?" Merry asked Sam.  
  
"Well, I got this ring from my uncle. My uncle got it out of a candy machine, but now Gandalf, this crazy wizard with an anger problem, tells me its an evil ring made by Sir Mix A Lot. We have to destroy it or everyone will die."  
  
"I know about that ring. My grandpa, or whoever he is, Isildur, got the ring and was all like whoa. It possessed him."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"So are you going to destroy it?"  
  
"No." Said Frodo. "Me and my band, which we have to name yet, are going to try and get a dance act instead."  
  
"Hey! Since we're going to Rivendell anyway to see my ridiculously hot girlfriend, you can perform your act in front of the Council of Elrond! That is, if you bow to me and not that ugly, cheap, idiotic loser, Boromir."  
  
"YAY!" The hobbits did a victory dance, and continued riding.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, isn't our band called NSYNC." Sam asked.  
  
"No, Sam. I believe that's taken. We should think of a new name." Frodo said. The hobbits thought for a moment.  
  
"Dirty Hobbit Feet!" Said Pippin.  
  
"Then it is settled," Aragorn said, "You should be the fellowship of the ring."  
  
Elrond pops out of nowhere. "That's my line!"  
  
"I AM THE KING! ITS MY LINE! Oh, fine. You shall be the Dirty Hobbit Feet."  
  
The hobbits smiled. They road for awhile and finally reached Weathertop. The hobbits made their beds as Aragorn went to look around. The hobbits fell asleep. Frodo woke up and found Sam, Merry, and Pippin lighting a fire.  
  
"HELLO? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THERE ARE SCARY PEOPLE WITH NO FACES AFTER US!!!" Frodo yelled at the hobbits.  
  
"No there isn't." Sam said.  
  
"Well there are now!!!" Frodo pointed down below. Scary people dressed in black with no faces were riding on horses.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Pippin screamed like a girl. They all ran to the top of Weathertop. The scary black people pushed Sam and Pippin, and Merry, aside. Frodo fell and put the ring on.  
  
He saw a terrible sight.  
  
The scary black people were dancing...in strip clothes! Which was not a pretty sight to see.  
  
"They need to lose some weight!" Cried Frodo. He cried and took the ring off.  
  
"MR. FRODO!" Sam yelled. He ran to Frodo. "What did you see?" Before Frodo could answer, Aragorn came with a stick with fire on it and he sent the scary people away. Frodo was in pain.  
  
"Come on." Aragorn said. "Let's see if we can meet my extremely hot girlfriend on the road."  
  
Together, they put Frodo on the pony and the hobbits went on their own ponies, and Aragorn on his horse. They rode together on the road. They laid Frodo down near on the grass, and his friends looked after him.  
  
"Sam!" Aragorn said. "As king, I command you to go find kingsfoil."  
  
"Kingsfoil?"  
  
"GET IT NOW!" Sam and Aragorn went to search for the Kingsfoil.  
  
"Why does Frodo have to get hurt all the time?" Pippin complained to Merry.  
  
Merry rolled his eyes. "Would you rather get hurt, Pip?"  
  
"No, Merry. But its always Frodo, Frodo, Frodo. Frodo is said 98 times in the trilogy. How many times is Pippin said?"  
  
"I...don't...know. I don't really count."  
  
"I'll tell you. 24. 24!"  
  
(note: I don't really know if its 24)  
  
"Well, Pip. Are you on the cover?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you the one with the close-up on the cover?"  
  
Pippin frowned. "No."  
  
"Then you're not the star."  
  
"I should've done a Master In Commander three part deal." Pippin sighs.  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn was looking for the weed when his amazingly hot girlfriend came up and said, "I heard you have a sick hobbit."  
  
Aragorn nodded, and led Arwen to Frodo. 


	5. Gandalf's Anger Problem, Legolas in Sexy...

(note: Thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad you like my story! Here's chapter 5! If anybody thinks I'm making fun of the characters, I'm not, because I love all the characters very dearly. (Well some) but anyway, I hope you enjoy it!)  
  
Aragorn led Arwen to where Frodo was.  
  
"Look!" said Pippin. "It's Aragorn's amazingly hot girlfriend!"  
  
Merry says. "I can't believe how sexy she is!"  
  
Frodo automatically wakes up and goes, "It's Aragorn's unbelievably sexy girlfriend!"  
  
"There, he is healed. Happy now?" Arwen says.  
  
"Arwen, this is Frodo Baggins, Merry Brandybuck, Pippin Took, and Sam Gamgee. Otherwise known as the band Dirty Hobbit Feet.  
  
The hobbits bow to Arwen.  
  
"Yeah, ok, whatever."  
  
"Let's go to Rivendell!" Aragorn says.  
  
Arwen gets on her horse. "I, like, so don't want to go to Rivendell. My dad is always yelling at me saying, like, you can't marry Aragorn. Why you wanna go there?"  
  
"Is it me or is Arwen a bitch?" Pippin whispers.  
  
After taking a quick eating break, Aragorn had an idea.  
  
"Dirty Hobbit Feet, you indeed are a band, but in order to get into Rivendell, you need a good song."  
  
"Well, I think we'll do just fine with Bye Bye Bye." said Sam.  
  
"NO! I am king! Listen to what I say! Legolas is a poet that is near Rivendell, he can help you with a song."  
  
"Legolas is so sexy in those tights." Arwen says.  
  
"Aren't I sexy in tights?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"You don't wear tights. Maybe if you'd like, propose, I'D SAY YOU WERE SEXY IN TIGHTS." Arwen yells.  
  
Suddenly, Legolas pops out of nowhere. "Aragorn! I heard you call! A hobbit band is in need of a song."  
  
"Yes, I'm Frodo. The lead singer."  
  
"Ah, no. I'm the lead singer." Sam glares at Frodo.  
  
"I think I am." Pippin glares at Sam.  
  
Merry cries. "I'm always left out."  
  
"HUSH!" Says Legolas. "What type of song do you want?"  
  
"New Age."  
  
"Rap."  
  
"Country."  
  
"Folk music."  
  
Legolas sighs. "I can't work like this!"  
  
Legolas walks away.  
  
"LEGOLAS!! NO!!" Arwen screams.  
  
"What, Arwen?"  
  
"Please stay. You're so sexy in those tights."  
  
"Girls are not my type." Says Legolas.  
  
"Damn it."  
  
"Arwen is my incredibly sexy girlfriend, so lay off."  
  
"I've never heard the word sexy being said so many times." Pippin says.  
  
"In order to work on a song, we must go through....THE MINES OF MORIA!" Legolas' voice echoes.  
  
"Um, why?" Arwen asks. "I'm not even supposed to be in that scene, and it's all, like gross. I wouldn't be able to plug a hair dryer in there or anything."  
  
"I just like that word. It's so pretty." Legolas says.  
  
No response. That's a little too weird.  
  
"Ok, hobbits. What's the name of your band?"  
  
"Dirty Hobbit Feet."  
  
And from there, the hobbits and the elves endured several hours of pain, emotion, and suffering, trying to create the perfect song to impress the Council Of Elrond. This is what they came up with.  
  
Gandalf's Anger Problem  
  
Gandalf was a player Livin' in the west And yellin' at hobbits Was what he did best I guess all this Comes from the stress Or maybe it's because Gandalf has to wear a dress Because  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
Oh, Oh, Oh yeah Hobbiton was such a peaceful place Until Bilbo saw the sight Of that angry face Now he's coming back To crash the party Thinkin' he's Usher Think he looks hot Well he's on fire If you make him made Or you are a liar He will cut you up Because  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
When he's on the couch he is so calm But when he yells shut up And puts the ring On my palm I get so scared because  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
I can't take him now He's out of control He's got issues Anger problems Don't you know?  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
Psychiatry Psychiatry PPPSSYYCCHHIIIAAARRTTYYY  
  
(Legolas' comment: I personally wanted to do a poetic song based on "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" but, they seemed to disagree) 


	6. Rivendell, Sucky Songs, and The Fellowsh...

(note: I'm going on vacation soon, so I'm trying to write lots of chapters so everyone can read a lot while I'm gone.)  
  
Now with a song, the hobbits, the elves, and Aragorn arrived in Rivendell.  
  
Before entering the house of Elrond, Aragorn said to the hobbits, "There will be lots of people watching you, dwarves, Boromir, and even Gandalf."  
  
"Gandalf?! Won't he be mad about our song?" said Frodo.  
  
Aragorn shook his head and together they went to the Council Of Elrond area.  
  
Lots of dwarves, elves, and men were sitting in chairs. So was Gandalf. Elrond was at the head of the Council.  
  
The hobbits bowed down to him, as well as Aragorn, Legolas, but Arwen left to go in her room. Claming that all the boys there was making her claustrophobic.  
  
"Who will be performing for us today?" Elrond asked.  
  
"Dirty Hobbit Feet. The members are Frodo Baggins, Merry Brandybuck, Pippin Took, and Sam Gamgee. They will be singing a song that they wrote called, Gandalf's Anger Problem."  
  
Gandalf grew angry. "I DO NOT HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM! AND FRODO, WHY AREN'T YOU DESTROYING THE RING?"  
  
"Come, hobbits, sing your song."  
  
Aragorn and Legolas sat in the empty chairs.  
  
Gandalf's Anger Problem  
  
Gandalf was a player Livin' in the west And yellin' at hobbits Was what he did best I guess all this Comes from the stress Or maybe it's because Gandalf has to wear a dress Because  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
Oh, Oh, Oh yeah Hobbiton was such a peaceful place Until Bilbo saw the sight Of that angry face Now he's coming back To crash the party Thinkin' he's Usher Think he looks hot Well he's on fire If you make him made Or you are a liar He will cut you up Because  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
When he's on the couch he is so calm But when he yells shut up And puts the ring On my palm I get so scared because  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
I can't take him now He's out of control He's got issues Anger problems Don't you know?  
  
Gandalf's anger problem Is interrupting me I can't take it any longer The solution to this may be Psychiatry  
  
Psychiatry Psychiatry PPPSSYYCCHHIIIAAARRTTYYY  
  
"Your song is exceptional, but the council must talk in private. They all got in a huddle. Gimili turned to the band. "Basically, it sucked."  
  
"It sucks too much for Rivendell. Try Bree."  
  
The hobbits started crying. They sobbed and sobbed for hours upon hours.  
  
Finally, "SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS!" Gandalf screamed.  
  
"We've been to Bree!" The hobbits said.  
  
Boromir stood up, "Well, since I'm going to be the king, I will come with you try your song in the Mines Of Moria."  
  
Aragorn, "Dude, your not going to be king. I am."  
  
"Yeah, whatever."  
  
"I am!"  
  
"Um, no, I am."  
  
"Have you seen the end of the movie?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you king."  
  
"No."  
  
"There you go."  
  
Arwen came out from her room.  
  
"Like, normally I don't help out midgets, but I'm so, like, bored being so, like, immortal, so, like, why, like, don't I, like, come with you, like, ok?"  
  
Aragorn stood up, "You have my sword."  
  
"And my bow." Legolas said.  
  
"And my ax." Said Gimili.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I'll come too." Boromir said.  
  
"Since I'm the wizard, I better go." Gandalf said.  
  
"I don't know why Arwen's here, but you shall be the FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING." His voice echoed.  
  
"Whatever." Arwen said.  
  
Together, the Fellowship headed to the Mines of Moria. 


	7. May It Be, Doing It, and Fat Hobbits

(thanks for all the reviews! Enjoy!)  
  
"May it be an evening star  
  
Shines down upon you  
  
May it be when darkness falls  
  
Your heart will be true  
  
You walk a lonely road  
  
Oh! How far you are from home  
  
Mornie utúlië  
  
Believe and you will find your way  
  
Mornie alantië  
  
A promise lives within you now"  
  
Sam sang out load. He was listening to his walkman.  
  
"SHUT UP! I CAN'T TAKE THAT MUSIC!!" Gandalf said.  
  
Aragorn said, "Boromir, you know I'm going to be king."  
  
"Um, I will. And Arwen WILL BE MINE."  
  
"Uh, who has to Evenstar necklace? I DO! She's mine."  
  
"Oh, Legolas, you're so sexy in tights."  
  
"Thank you, Arwen. But don't you have a boyfriend."  
  
"Well, I guess. But, anyway, I love your blond hair."  
  
"It's not my real hair. It's Cher's."  
  
Arwen started singing. "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME IF I COULD FIND A WAY I'D LOVE YOU AND YOU'D STAY"  
  
"AHHHHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"We had to bring the wizard." Said Gimili to Frodo.  
  
Gandalf took out his boom box and played Usher's "Yeah"  
  
Frodo took out the ring.  
  
"Hey, Gandalf, can I toss the ring over the mountain?" "I think Frodo is going to propose to Sam with that ring." Pippin whispers to Merry.  
  
"Well, I doubt that. Sam gets married to Rosie."  
  
"Oh, please, Sam's just hiding it by saying he loves Rosie."  
  
"Hold on to it, Frodo. Just in case."  
  
The Fellowship went to sleep. The awoke the next morning very early.  
  
"Why won't you do it with me?" Aragorn said to Arwen.  
  
"Like, no. You don't even wear sexy tights, like Legolas."  
  
"But we're going to get married."  
  
"Only if you, like, propose! Idiot!"  
  
"SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO EAT!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"So, Gandalf, have you been seeing your physiatrist?" Frodo asked.  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU FAT HOBBIT!"  
  
"Actually, I'm not fat. Have you seen me take my shirt off in Return Of The King?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I enjoyed it!" Sam said.  
  
"I told you, Merry!" Pippin said.  
  
Aragorn walked away from Arwen. He couldn't take it.  
  
"Come, everyone, let us go to the Mines Of Moria!" Aragorn said.  
  
"Hey, I'm the king, I make orders."  
  
"I'm the king, Boromir. Get it? I thought we went over this."  
  
"Ahem, no I am the king, Aragorn. Ok? Your family sucks. Whoever thinks I'm the king, raise their hand." No one raises their hand.  
  
"I give up." Boromir goes to pack his thinks.  
  
Together the Fellowship started to walk. And head for the Mines Of Moria.  
  
(again) 


	8. Footloose, Manicures, Gandalf and Saruma...

"SHUT UP!!!!!! WHY DID I EVER GO ON THIS QUEST!!!!!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
Everyone but Gandalf was singing Footloose.  
  
Now I gotta cut loose Footloose Kick off my Sunday shoes Please Louise Pull me down to my knees Jack get back  
  
Now I gotta cut Now I gotta cut  
  
"FOOOOTLLLOOOSSEE!!" Frodo belted out.  
  
"Oh my god!" Arwen said. "ELVEN MANICURE! ARAGORN! Can I, like, get one, please?"  
  
"This isn't going to make us get there any faster." Gimli said angrily.  
  
The fellowship walked into Elven Manicure.  
  
"Welcome to Elven Manicure, how may I...help you?" The elf said. She noticed that there was all men, and in the middle, a glowing She-elf.  
  
(note: I didn't know what to say, elf-girl, she-elf, whatever)  
  
"I'd, like, like a manicure."  
  
"Ok. And you boys?"  
  
"Why not?" said Pippin.  
  
The hobbits walked over with Arwen, and so did Legolas. Twenty minutes later, they came out with freshly painted nails.  
  
"OH SHIT!" Sam said as they walked out. "I BROKE MINE!"  
  
Sam got his nail fixed. Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir admired their nails.  
  
Arwen had bright pink.  
  
Pippin had light yellow. Frodo had light blue.  
  
Sam had bright purple.  
  
Legolas had light pink.  
  
"Wonderful!" Boromir said. "Thank you!"  
  
They paid their $50 and left.  
  
"That place was so lovely, they had great service." Frodo said.  
  
Sam nodded. "We'll be sure to recommend it back home."  
  
"Oh my god!" Pippin said. "I just realized something!"  
  
"What?" Everyone asked, frightened.  
  
"MY NAIL COLOR MATCHES MY EYES!"  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes.  
  
"No it doesn't, Pip." Merry said. "Yours are brown. Your nail color is yellow."  
  
"Same thing."  
  
"Ew, oh my gosh. Is there like, dirt, in the Mines of Moria?"  
  
"Um, YES! ARAGORN, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET YOUR IDIOT GIRLFRIEND OUT OF HERE!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
Arwen punched Gandalf.  
  
"Would you shut up? You old bag! Just because I don't see a shrink, doesn't mean you have to, like, make fun of me! You big fat asshole."  
  
"Wow." Legolas says.  
  
Legolas kisses Arwen.  
  
Aragorn slaps Legolas.  
  
"She's my girlfriend! Jerk! I thought you were gay, like Sam and Frodo."  
  
"We are not gay!" Frodo and Sam said together, holding hands.  
  
"Your girlfriend made me not gay. She's way hotter then Elrond is."  
  
"Like, gross! You loved my father!"  
  
"Come, Arwen, kiss me. I am your true love. Right?"  
  
"Um, whatever. You like, don't wear sexy tights. So, it's hard to choose."  
  
"I don't wear tights because I'm not gay!"  
  
"I'm not so sure about that!" Legolas said.  
  
Legolas whipped out a copy of Aragorn's old diary.  
  
"Where'd you find that?" Aragorn asked, astonished.  
  
"I found it in the House Of Elrond. It seems you, misplaced it, long ago."  
  
"I kept that when I was a boy, it shouldn't apply to us now."  
  
"But, indeed, it does. Ahem. Page One. Here I am in the House Of Elrond. It's quite boring. My parent's just died so now I have to live with these people who are going to live forever. I met this girl, who's an elf, her name is Arwen. She's quite pretty. But not as handsome, or pretty, as Elrond."  
  
"I was admiring his handsomeness!" Aragorn said angrily.  
  
"Yeah, ok, we'll go with that." Legolas said. He put the diary in his pocket.  
  
"SILENCE! LET US GO TO MORIA!" Gandalf yelled. The fellowship walked in silence.  
  
Two seconds later.  
  
"Isn't Saruman and Gandalf boyfriend and...erm...boyfriend?" Pippin whispered to Aragorn, who seemed to know all.  
  
"I think so. I heard him looking in his appointment book when we were walking one day."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
:::FLASHBACK:::  
  
Aragorn is sitting on a rock, watching the hobbits practice sword fighting with Boromir, and Gimili. Arwen and Legolas were flirting.  
  
Below him, he heard Gandalf grumbling.  
  
"Oh, damn it. I missed dinner with him last night. Oh shit! I missed his new wardrobe preview. Well there goes our week in the Caribbean. We were supposed to get a pedicure yesterday. And whatever happened to going to the movies on Saturday? I'm going to have to call him, or he might cheat on me with one of his Orcs. Or even Dethenor. Damn it."  
  
:::FLASHBACK ENDS:::  
  
"He really said that?" Pippin asked, after hearing the story.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Ok, so why is everybody gay?"  
  
"That's just the way it is in Middle-Earth."  
  
Two seconds later.  
  
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard And their like it's better then yours Damn right It's better than yours I'm gonna teach you But I have to charge" Gandalf sang.  
  
"That's the 17th time he's sung that!" complained Frodo.  
  
"He's talking about Saruman, you know." Pippin said.  
  
"What?" said an astonished Frodo.  
  
"Gandalf and Saruman are a couple."  
  
"Oh, Pippin. You're just imagining it."  
  
"No! It's true! Aragorn told me!"  
  
"Well, no wonder he's singing that song!"  
  
"What's a milkshake?" Pippin asked Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf grew angry. "SHUT UP! LET US GO!" 


	9. Float Toys, Dating Hobbits, Mines Of Mor...

(note: I'm back from my vacation and here's some more! Thanks for the reviews! Please tell me what you think, I'd really appreciate it!)

Let the rain fall down

And wake my dreams

Let it wash away

My sanity

Cause I wanna feel the thunder

I wanna scream

Let the rain fall down

I'm coming clean

COOOMMIINNGG CLLLEEANNN

Merry and Pippin sang.

"Shut up!" Gandalf yelled. "I hate Hilary Duff!"

"Me too! I'm more of a Lindsay Lohan guy." Sam said.

"Are we there yet?" Boromir complained.

"Quit complaining! You die in the end anyway!"

"Oh good lord!" Gandalf yelled. "We're almost there!"

The fellowship arrived in front of the walls of Moria.

"Who has my float toy? I wanna play in the water!" Pippin yelled.

Boromir hands Pippin his rubber ducky tube and Pippin dives in the water.

"SHHHAAARRRKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn yelled.

"AHHHHH!" Pippin ran out of the water.

"I've always wanted to say that." Aragorn said.

Meanwhile, Gandalf and Frodo were sitting in front of the lighted-up-door thing, while Boromir, Agagorn, and Pippin were playing leapfrog. Sam was listening to his brand new CD, Beyonce.

"TONIGHT, I'LL BE YOUR NAUGHTY GIRL..." Sam sang.

"Oh, c'mon, Merry. Sam and Frodo are so gay!" Pippin said.

Arwen was sitting on a rock beside Frodo.

"Is it like, dirty, in there?"

"Um, yes."

"Like, ew. I should, like, be at my house, with all those sexy elves in tights."

"Have you ever thought about dating a hobbit?"

"Like, no, but it would be cool."

"Do you want to go out?"

"No. I thought you were gay."

"SHUT UP YOU TWO! WE MUST GET IN!"

"What's the password?" Frodo asked.

"Mellon."

The doors don't open. Frodo walks up to the doors.

"Arwen is Aragorn's incredibly sexy girlfriend that is hotter then the sun and the stars all in one."

The doors don't open.

"Like, I'll try." Arwen says.

"OPEN UP, ASSHOLES!"

The doors open.

"Like, cool."

The fellowship enters the mines.

"Whoa! Isn't an ugly sea creature supposed to grab me, and my beloved Sam saves me?" Frodo says.

"Pippin scared it away with his float toy." Aragorn replied. They walked further.

"Like, oh my gosh! There's dead people on the floor!"

"MY NAIL POLISH IS CHIPPING!" Pippin yelled. "NO! Ew, there's dead people."

"Oh, man! I liked some of these people."

"Gandalf, how are we supposed to perform in front of dead people?"

"We must get to the bridge of Khaza-dum!"

(note: I'm sorry if I spelled that wrong! But I have to go eat my French fries now! I'll write more later! =-D )


	10. Massages, End Of Pippin, and John Deere

The Fellowship walked into a room. There was a casket

(note: is that what it's called? I have no idea)

that said one of Gimli's relatives had died.

"NOOO!! HE GAVE ME SUCH GOOD PRESENTS!!!! LOOK AT THIS PINWHEEL I GOT!!" Gimli sobs.

"It's as I feared." Gandalf said. "Pippin, hold my staff and hat."

"Why?"

Gandalf pointed to the massage chair. "Give me a massage, Aragorn."

Aragorn gives Gandalf a massage.

Pippin giggles. "Look at the cute dead skeleton!" Pippin touches it and it falls.

"Ew, gross!" Arwen says.

Gandalf says nothing, because he is still getting his massage.

Suddenly, the fellowship hears loud noises.

"EEKK!!! I'M SCARED!!!" Legolas screamed.

"HOLD ME, LEGOLAS!" Arwen says.

Frodo holds her.

"GET OFF OF ME, YOU MIDGET!"

"I'm not a midget!"

Arwen punches Frodo.

(Poor Frodo!)

The fellowship ran out of the room, dodging the scary goblins, orcs, and even a big fat cave troll! Gandalf was still getting his massage.

"Like, they need makeovers." Arwen said.

"Cool! I have a wizard hat." Pippin said.

"Where's Gandalf?"

"Still getting his massage."

"GANDALF!!! NO!!!" Frodo shouted.

"Frodo, that comes later."

"Oh, sorry."

"Can I be the wizard now?" Pippin asked.

"Whatever." Aragorn said.

"Let us go to the bridge!" Pippin says in a loud voice. He puts the wizard hat on and leads them to the bridge.

"Well, here we are. Where do we go?" Merry asked Pippin.

They all walk to a bridge, which is split in two.

Boromir and Legolas jumped to the other side of the bridge. Then Gimli jumped, then Aragorn threw Sam, and Arwen, Merry and Pippin jumped to the other side together.

The one end of the bride falls, and Aragorn and Frodo lean down as the part of the bridge is leaning, and they meet up with the rest of the Fellowship. Pippin, is left behind, though.

A big creature is in front of Pippin.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!" He yelled.

"DUDE, YOU CAN'T PASS!!!!!!"

"YOU AIN'T PASSIN'!!!!!" He yelled some more.

Then he saw a bunch of people dancing to "Let's Get It Started" and jumped down the abyss to join the party.

"NOO!!!!!! GANDALF!!! I mean, NOOO!!! PIPPIN!!!!"

The fellowship walked outside and started crying. They cried for 5 hours.

"Wait! We never got to perform our song!" Frodo said.

"That's because all the dwarves were dead. Now we have to go to Lorien. Or whatever." Boromir said.

"Whoa. I'm king, I decide." Aragorn said.

"I WILL NOT HAVE YOU RULE GONDOR! I AM KING!! GET IT?"

"I'M KING, GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!!!!"

"Why can't Legolas be king?" Arwen said.

"BECAUSE HE'S A SMELLY ELF!" Aragorn yelled.

"ELVES DON'T SMELL!" Legolas said.

"ELVES ARE STUPID!"  
  
"ELVES ARE SMART! WE LIVE FOREVER!"

"WE'RE BETTER!"

"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NO!"

"YES!!!!!!" Aragorn screamed.

"Anyone wanna listen to Rod Stewart?" Sam asked.

"NO SAM!" Everyone yelled.

Sam shrugged and put is walkman on.

"IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY, AND YOU WANT MY BODY, COME ON SUGAR TELL ME SO!" Sam sang.

"He's so gay." Merry muttered.

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "I'm sick of this stupid Fellowship. It's broken in the end, anyway. What's the point?"

"LOOK!" Frodo said. "A JOHN DEERE STORE!"

They ran into the store.

"Welcome to John Deere, how may I help you?" The store lady said.

"We want to buy John Deere stuff." Aragorn said.

"Like, this is boy stuff. Ew. Like, gross."

"We have a complete line of new John Deere hats made directly from Saruman's army in Mordor, if you're interested. Made from complete Polyester."

"AWESOME!"

The fellowship all bought John Deere hats, even Arwen. They paid their money and walked out.

(Arwen's note: I bought it because Legolas bought one.)

Two seconds later.

"What happened to Gandalf?"

"He's still getting his massage. He'll show up in the 2nd movie." Aragorn said.

"Maybe after his massage, he won't have an anger problem." Merry said.

"COME, FELLOWSHIP! LET US GO TO LORIEN!" Boromir's voice echoed.

"Like, whatever. Loser. Get the picture? Duh!" Arwen said.

"Where did that come from?" Sam said.

"LET US GO TO LORIEN!" Boromir said again.

The fellowship headed for Lorien, to perform a concert.


	11. Applebees, Fighting, Hairspray, and Clai...

"Does anyone have a cell phone?" Pippin asked for the 15th time.

"NO!" Everybody shouted.

"Where are we going now, Aragorn?" Frodo asked.

"We are going to Lorien. This cool glow-in-the-dark elf place with a neat gift shop."

Sam grinned happily. "Look! It's Applebee's!"

The fellowship walked into the restaurant. An elf waitress greeted them.

"Welcome to Applebee's. Do you want a table or a booth?"

"Table." Aragorn said.

"Ahem. No. I am the king of Gondor. We're getting a booth."

"Table."

"Booth."

"TABLE!"

"BOOTH!"

"TABLE!"

Aragorn and Boromir started fighting.

"I'm so sorry. My idiotic boyfriend, WHO NEVER PROPOSED, is such a nut."

Arwen grabs Aragorn. She slaps Boromir.

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP! YOUR UGLY AND YOU NEED A HAIRCUT."

"We'll take a booth." Frodo said.

They all sat down.

"OH, WE NEED A HAIRCUT, WHAT ABOUT THIS BLOND-HAIRED DITZY ELF OVER HERE." Aragorn continued.

Legolas takes out his hairspray and sprays his hair.

"I happen to be very proud of my hair. It's fluffy, it's soft, it's tender. Way better then yours."

Frodo and Sam feel Legolas' hair.

"Oh, yeah, that's wonderful." They said.

"YOU TWO ARE BIG, FAT, LOSERS. I'M ONLY MARRYING YOU TO GET AWAY FROM MY FATHER."

"Why don't you just marry Frodo and get it over with!"

Frodo bats his big, blue, eyes.

Pippin gasped. "OH MY GOLLY GOODNESS!"

"What happened, Pip?" Merry asked.

"MY NAIL POLISH IS CHIPPED OFF!" Pippin cries, and Merry comforts him.

"Must you four go on like this?" Sam said to Aragorn, Boromir, Arwen, and Legolas. "You're upsetting my master."

"You refer to him as your master? Wow, you guys are gay."

"Make the wedding plans."

Aragorn and Boromir laughed.

"You two are so immature." Arwen rolled her eyes.

"SHUT UP ARWEN!" Boromir said. "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN EVERY MOVIE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE A BITCH!"

"I am no such thing!"

"Well, then you're a slut."

"WHAT GIVES YOU THAT IDEA?"

"Who do you think thought the idea for those cheap t-shirts in Rivendell?"

"THAT WAS MY FATHER!"

"I THINK NOT!"

"DON'T CALL HER A SLUT!"

Aragorn slapped Boromir.

Arwen slapped Aragorn, and Boromir.

"ARWEN! YOU ARE SO MEAN!" Aragorn cried. "BESIDES, I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW!"

"What's that?"

"I CHEAT ON YOU WITH EOWYN."

"THAT DUMB BLOND!"

Arwen slaps Aragorn again. She kisses Frodo.

"Wow! I'm not gay anymore!"  
  
Sam cries. They're no longer a couple.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR? HE'S 2 FEET SHORTER THAN YOU!"

Arwen pouts.

"So, what's everyone ordering?" Pippin asked.

The waitress walks up to them. It's Rosie! She's a hobbit!

"ROSIE! I'M GOING TO MARRY YOU!" Sam said happily.

"Yeah, what's everyone ordering?"

"Bacon."

"French fries."

"Hash browns."

"Onion Rings."

"Chicken."

"Like, a salad. I'm on a diet."

"The special."

"Soup."

"Beer."

"Beer."

Merry and Pippin high-fived each other.

"Ooh! Aragorn! After this can we go to Claries?" Legolas said happily. "I've been dying to buy that new Hello Kitty purse."

"Yeah, whatever."

Aragorn sighed. This was going nowhere.


	12. Fun At Claires, Mr Frodo, and I Feel Pre...

(note: Thanks for your reviews! if this is your first time reading this story, or this chapter, please review!! =-D )

The fellowship left Applebee's, and headed to Claries.

"We're never going to get to Lorien." Merry complained.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Sam said. "Why is Pippin here? I thought he fell in the abyss."

"Oh, I was reincarnated and I came here, you just didn't notice."

Everyone just stared at him.

"Like, whatever." Arwen said.

"LOOK!" Legolas said happily. "It's Claries!"

The fellowship walked in.

"This is way too weird." Boromir said. He stood outside with Aragorn.

Legolas pranced around happily with the hobbits. They shopped for hours and when they came out, here's what they got.

Legolas: Two flip flop earrings, and a wristband with a rainbow on it.

"Isn't it pretty?" Legolas says about it.

Frodo: A happy bunny T-Shirt, and a Strawberry Shortcake notebook to write his poems in.

"I feel that with this notebook, I can express my innermost thoughts." Frodo says.

Merry and Pippin: Matching hair-clips and headbands.

They say, "We need to get in touch with our feminine side."

Arwen: A new bracelet with a rose on it.

"To make Legolas want me."

Sam: A matching happy bunny t-shirt, and a strawberry shortcake pen.

"So I can be like my master, whom I love."

"Like, ew, Sam."

"Oh, yeah. I love Rosie."

"You don't love me anymore?" Frodo cries.

"Ah, nope."

Frodo rips Sam's matching T-shirt.

"Fine then, Mr. Frodo."

"Don't call me that."

"Mr. Frodo. Mr. Frodo. MR. FRODO! FRODO! MR. FRODO!!!! MRRRRR. FFFRRROOODDDOOO!!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKES, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo screams.

Everyone stares at him.

"I'm done."

"Is Gandalf still getting his massage?" Boromir asks.

(Yes, Gandalf is still getting his massage. The cave-troll is giving it to him now. Gandalf plans to go to Cuba after his massage.)

(Gandalf's note: I really don't care about this friggin' fellowship. My physiatrist advised me to go on a vacation, so I'm leaving these screwed up hobbits and going on my own. Saruman's even coming!)

Gimli: Hair clips for his beard, which he has dyed purple.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty." Gimili starts singing. The hobbits join in.

"I FEEL PRETTY! I feel so pretty, Sam!" Frodo sings.

"I FEEL PREETTTTYY!!!!" Sam sings in a high-pitched voice.

"Two more minutes with these nut-jobs, and I'm going to have to go to therapy." Aragorn mutters.

On to Lorien!


	13. More Harispray, Cookies, Lap Dances!

(note: Krista thanks so much for your review!!! I'm glad you liked my story!)  
  
The fellowship reached a hilltop that overlooked Lorien.  
  
"Wow!" said Sam. "It's so ugly!"  
  
"Like, I don't want to get my hair messed up."  
  
Legolas handed Arwen his extra-fluff hairspray, directly from Mordor.  
  
Arwen sprayed her hair.  
  
"I heard that Frizz-Ease from Lorel works better." Merry said.  
  
"Extra Fluff."  
  
"Frizz-Ease."  
  
"EXTRA FLUFF!"  
  
"FRIZZ EASE!"  
  
"EXTRA FLUFF!!!"  
  
"FRIIIZZ EAAASSSSEE!"  
  
"EXXXXXXTTTRRRAAAA FFLLLLLUUUUUUFFF!!!!!"  
  
"FFRRIZZ EEAAASSSEE!!!!!" Merry screamed so loud that everything stopped.  
  
Merry fell to the ground and started having a temper tantrum.  
  
"FRIZZ EASEE! FRIZZ EEASSEE!!" He screamed like a girl, and started kicking, while laying on the ground.  
  
The tantrum went on for four hours.  
  
Finally, Arwen slapped Merry.  
  
"Man, that was annoying!"  
  
"Your girlfriend is so hot." Frodo said to Aragorn.  
  
"If you touch her again, I'll throw you and Sam down a cliff. You midgets."  
  
"Why me?" Sam said.  
  
"So you can be gay, away from everyone else."  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes. "I am not gay, and neither is Sam."  
  
"Yeah, ok." Boromir said, listening in on the conversation.  
  
"Did anybody see the animated version of Lord Of The Rings?" Merry asked.  
  
"YES! IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP! I'M SO UGLY IN IT!" said Aragorn  
  
"Me too!" said Frodo.  
  
Sam shook his head. "You were hot. I was fat."  
  
"You're already fat. And gay." Boromir said.  
  
"Hell, I wasn't even in it!" Arwen said.  
  
"WE HATE THE ANIMATED VERSION!" They said together.  
  
"Ok, now what?"  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
They walked to Lorien.  
  
Two minutes later  
  
They arrived in Lorien. Galadriel came down.  
  
"Wow, she's hot." Said Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, and Frodo.  
  
"Hey Grandma! Like, can I have a present."  
  
"Here. It's extra-fluff hairspray."  
  
"Like, awesome! Legolas, we have the same thing! We're meant to be!"  
  
"Whatever." Legolas said, snatching his own hairspray back.  
  
Arwen sprayed lots of hairspray in her hair, so that it was hard. Everyone coughed.  
  
"Ok, so I can read your thoughts, and go sleep somewhere! Got it?" Galadriel said. "I can also talk to you telepathically!"  
  
"COOL!"  
  
"Yeah, whatever."  
  
They all went downstairs and slept on a lovely patch of grass.  
  
"I love elves! I'm going to marry an elf someday."  
  
"They're too tall for you." Aragorn said.  
  
"Besides, you're marrying Rosie." Frodo said.  
  
"Can I marry you?"  
  
"Ew no!"  
  
"Oh, man."  
  
The fellowship then went to sleep. Frodo woke up. He smelt cookies.  
  
"YUMMY! COOKIES!"  
  
Frodo ran down to a well type thing.  
  
"Where's the cookie store?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Frodo, look into the mirror." Galadriel said.  
  
"Ooh! Is that where the cookie store is?"  
  
"Uh..erm..yeah, that's where the cookie store is."  
  
Frodo did a hobbit dance.  
  
"CAN I HAVE A COOKIE?" Frodo asked loudly.  
  
"Erm…yeah." Frodo looks into the mirror.  
  
"WHERE'S THE COOKIES??" Frodo demanded.  
  
"Um.."  
  
Frodo bursts into tears and throws a temper tantrum.  
  
Galadriel grabs a half-eaten mint out of her pocket, that Aragorn had eaten, and spit out. She handed it to Frodo.  
  
"YAY!!!" Frodo did another hobbit dance.  
  
"BOOGIE-WOOGIE!!!!!" Frodo sang.  
  
"Yeah, ok. Look in the freakin' mirror."  
  
Frodo eats his mint and looks in the mirror. He sees Gandalf and Saruman giving each other a lap dance in their bathing suits! This sight could hurt anyone!  
  
Frodo falls back in shock, and in pain.  
  
"OOH MAN! THAT'S DISCUSTING! OHHH I'M GOING BLIND!" Frodo put his hands over his eyes.  
  
"Oh my! Was that what you saw? I'm sorry. Look into the mirror again."  
  
"I WANT A COOKIE!"  
  
Galadriel reaches into her pocket and finds a piece of chewed gum. She hands it to Frodo.  
  
"YUMMY!"  
  
Frodo looks in the mirror.  
  
"A MARATHON OF THE COSBY SHOW! BEGINNING NOW!"  
  
Frodo falls back in horror.  
  
"NOOO!!! YOU CANNOT SHOW ME THIS!!!" Frodo screams like a girl and runs back to sleep with everyone else. 


	14. Presents, Curves, Hugh Grant, Ghostbuste...

The next morning the fellowship went to Galadriel and other elves. They were going to get presents!  
  
"Yay! It's my birthday!" Sam kept singing.  
  
"Sam, it's not your birthday. It's mine." said Frodo.  
  
"Ahem, it's MINE! I RULE GONDOR! MMWHAHAHAHAH!!!" Boromir cackled.  
  
"Ok..." Everyone stared at Boromir.  
  
"Yeah, it's my birthday too." Boromir whispered.  
  
Galadriel gave each a present.  
  
"Here, Sam is a magic rope."  
  
"I COME ALL THIS WAY FOR A CRAPPY PIECE OF ROPE? I'LL SAY, I'M GOING HOME! FORGET THIS "MASTER" STUFF!"  
  
"Frodo, the light of Earrendiel."  
  
(note: i don't know how to spell it! Sorry!)  
  
"YIPPIE! A NIGHT LIGHT! I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK AND I'M PROUD!" Frodo yelled on the top of his lungs.  
  
Everyone laughed.  
  
"What gift would a dwarf ask of the elves."  
  
"Um...wanna make out?" Gimli asked.  
  
"HELL NO! YOU'RE TOO SHORT, AND UGLY! GET AWAY FROM ME!"  
  
Gimli cried and walked back to the boats.  
  
Galadriel gave everyone else a pencil.  
  
The fellowship went in their boats. And started sailing.  
  
"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, EVERYBODY'S NERVES I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!!!"  
  
The hobbits all sang for the 19th time.  
  
"BE QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn screamed.  
  
"This is so, like, boring." Arwen said, painting her nails.  
  
"Boy, Aragorn, you have a bigger anger problem than Galadirel." Sam said, remembering their preformance.  
  
:::FLASHBACK:::  
  
The hobbits walked up in front of all the elves, who were sitting in a circle.  
  
They started doing the Lean-Back, and then Pippin did the worm.  
  
They did the can-can while singing "Gandalf's Anger Problem."  
  
Sam tripped, causing Pippin to trip.  
  
"SAM YOU NEED TO GO TO CURVES, MAN!"  
  
"BUT THAT'S FOR WOMEN!"  
  
"EXACTLY! CAUSE YOU'RE A GAY MAN!"  
  
"I'M NOT GAY!"  
  
"ARE TOO!"  
  
"ARE NOT!"  
  
"YUPPERS!"  
  
"NOPERS!"  
  
They argued over Merry and Frodo singing the song. The song ended, and Galadriel said,  
  
"That was horrible. Go preform for the orcs. You are a bunch of stupid hobbits. Go away."  
  
:::FLASHBACK ENDS:::  
  
"I think, we should preform for the orcs, and give up." Merry said.  
  
Everyone agreed.  
  
ARAGORN'S POV Thank god, now I don't have to walk around these annoying gay hobbits that have no talent, a dwarf that is stuipid, my girlfriend who has the most annoying voice in the world, a hairspray-loving gay elf, and this weird man that think's he's going to be king. Man, I'm going to Hawaii all this.  
  
ARAGORN'S POV ENDS  
  
Then, they saw these big statues of Gandalf and Saruman kissing.  
  
"OH MY GOD!! GROSS!!!" They all yelled.  
  
"WHO BUILT THAT?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Oh, I don't know." Legolas said. He giggled.  
  
LEGOLAS' POV  
  
Hahaha. I grossed everybody out. I built this lovely statue. I was going to build it of Elrond, so me and Aragorn could enjoy his mind-blowing beauty, but I'm glad I built this.  
  
LEGOLAS' POV ENDS  
  
"DON'T STOP, BELIEVING! HOLD ON TO THAT FEEELLLLIIINNNGG!!!" Frodo sang.  
  
"For god's sakes, shut up!" Boromir said in a British accent.  
  
"YOU TALK FUNNY!" Pippin said loudly.  
  
"Yeah, and I don't know why." Boromir said. "AHA! Perhaps it's because I am....SHERLOCK HOLMES!"  
  
"Uhh...no you're not."  
  
"I AM HUGH GRANT! I AM HUGH GRANT, SO SHUT UP!"  
  
Everyone giggled like little girls, except for Arwen, who wasn't even paying attention.  
  
"IF THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE!" Frodo sang.  
  
"IN THE NEIGHBOHOOD." Sam sang.  
  
"WHO YOU GONNA CALL?" Merry and Pippin sang.  
  
"GHOSTBUSTERS!" Everyone else sang.  
  
"Ok, now what?" Arwen asked.  
  
The fellowship sailed onwards. 


	15. Monopoly, Cuba, Shania Twain, The End!

The fellowship reached the shore and together they sat playing a happy game of Monopoly.  
  
"DAMN IT, SAM, ROLL THE DICE!"  
  
"I CAN'T, FRODO! ARAGORN IS HOGGING THE DICE!"  
  
"MWWWHAHAHAH I AM WINNING!" said Boromir, who wasn't winning at all.  
  
"Like, roll, idiot!" Arwen yelled.  
  
"Don't call me an idiot!!! I'm giving you a place to live!!!"  
  
"LIKE, GO!!!!!!!!" Arwen screamed.  
  
Aragorn rolled the dice. He landed on Boardwalk.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn screamed with fury.  
  
"Um, you own it." Pippin said.  
  
"I knew that."  
  
Suddenly, they heard a big noise.  
  
"Where's the buffet?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Orcs are coming!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
"WHERE'S FRODO?" Sam said.  
  
"GO TO HIM SAM!"  
  
Sam ran to Frodo. Meanwhile, Arwen continued to play Monopoly with Legolas, and they compared the fuzziness of their hair.  
  
Then, the orcs approached.  
  
"HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL!" Arwen screamed.  
  
"What is it, my lady?"  
  
"MY HAIR IS SO BEAUTIFUL!"  
  
"I'm horny." Legolas said.  
  
The horn of the orcs sounded, and the orcs arrived.  
  
They started fighting. Legolas found a slide and played on that.  
  
The orcs killed Boromir.  
  
"YAY! HE'S DEAD!" The all cheered.  
  
The orcs took Pippin and Merry.  
  
"YAY THE HOBBITS ARE GONE!"  
  
"Are you taking us to the buffet?" Pippin asked the orcs.  
  
Aragorn fought with the orcs, and the orcs left to go to the buffet.  
  
Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli, and Legolas stood together of the shores.  
  
"We have failed the band." Aragorn said.  
  
"Whatever, lets go to a strip club." Gimli said.  
  
And so they left to the strip club.  
  
Sam follwed Frodo who is in a boat.  
  
"FRODO!!!!"  
  
"SAM!!!"  
  
Sam swam to Frodo's boat.  
  
Sam started drowning.  
  
Frodo laughed.  
  
Frodo decided that he better save Sam so they could go to Lover's Peak.  
  
Sam was saved and brought to the boat.  
  
"Oh, Sam. Will you go to Lover's Peak with me?"  
  
"What shall we do there."  
  
Frodo raised his eyebrows. Sam winked.  
  
"LET'S GO MAKE OUT!!!" They said 3 times together!  
  
And they sailed on, to Lover's Peak.  
  
Epilogue  
  
So, the fellowship ended. Sam and Frodo went to Lover's Peak, made out, and went home. They met Merry and Pippin who had spent 24 days continusly eating, smoking, and getting drunk. They preformed "Gandalf's Anger Problem" in many of the strip bars in The Shire. They stayed a band for two years. Then they all went to Cuba so they could hang out with Gandalf, and they preformed there.  
  
(Gandalf's note: I tried to get away from that friggin' fellowship, but of course they all followed me. Bastards.)  
  
Aragorn and Arwen got married, and Legolas dated Elrond for awhile. Gimli killed himself to go with his true love, Boromir.  
  
(Gimli's note: Yes, secretly, he was the love of my life. He complete's me.)  
  
Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, and Elrond eventually went to Cuba to annoy the hell out of Gandalf.  
  
Together they spent the rest of thier days listening to endless amounts of Shania Twain songs.  
  
THE END 


End file.
